Superficial

Me.

Not me.

Me.

Not me.

This is me.

This is not me.

This post is considerably more superficial than the last but I think it’s important to reflect upon and document many different aspects of what I’m currently going through. One of the most jarring things for me about going through this experience has been my appearance. Cutting and buzzing my hair was one of the hardest things to do and I most certainly cried the hardest over that than anything else.

Aesthetic is really important to me and I truly enjoy expressing my self in many creative ways, including how I look. I like presenting who I think I am to the world. I didn’t ever leave the house without wearing makeup and tried to look professional and put together most days. This, again, seems so superficial to talk about but when I began this journey I felt I had kind of lost my identity. The first time I looked in the mirror after getting my hair buzzed was shocking as you can imagine. I hadn’t actually looked for a few days because I just wasn’t ready. The day we buzzed it I had just moved into a new room at the VG. My brother had been talking to me about cutting my hair off for a while saying it would be easier and probably less gutting than having all of your long hair fall out all over the place once it started. This was true but it didn’t make it any easier. My brother and his wife were there. One of the nurses (Kelly) gathered my hair into a few ponytails on my head with some rubber bands. “You’re My Best Friend” by Queen was playing on my brother’s phone. I sat criss-cross on the hospital bed and just as the nurse started to cut, I pulled the blankets over my face and started to bawl. I stayed locked in this position throughout the entire process, just crying. I’m pretty sure we were all crying by the end. I was comforted by someone gently rubbing my back for most of it. I don’t know why this was so sad but it just made everything more real and final, I guess. And I hadn’t really been doing much crying or had time to probably process much emotionally this early on.

Then Tony, a CTA, came in with the buzzer to finish the job. It took a while to get it all the same length. I think I was able to pull myself together once it all ended after being handed lots of Kleenex. They cleaned up the towels and bed and put my ponytails into a plastic bag to be donated.

Oh - fun side note - Tony actually told me right after we finished cutting my hair that I looked like some random man who my brother immediately googled. It turned out this wasn't a compliment. Thanks for keeping my vanity in check, Tony.

Thank you to everyone who wrote little comments to me and supported me about the hair and made me feel like a rockstar when I originally shared my diagnosis on Facebook even though it really sucked. And for giving me the courage to share that with you even though it didn’t feel like me. I shared pictures with NO makeup for the first time ever (I swear this is a big deal). At first (once I started to get used to the look) it actually looked like I might have done this on purpose. Unfortunately now it has started to grow back in (sort of) and it a wiry, fuzzy, thin, damaged mess and I just look kind of sick since I've lost a lot of my eyebrows and eyelashes. I always wear a hat in public (luckily it’s winter!!). I also have more of that "cancer patient" look now after all the treatment which is why I have been avoiding scarves and those typical cap things which to me say, "I’m sick!" Another weird thing is talking to people and feeling like yourself and then seeing your reflection and realizing people received your words in a totally different way than you were imagining. I still think I look like how I used to look when I'm talking to other people. And people meeting you for the first time only knowing you like this is also weird.

Nowadays we focus on appearance more than ever and have such high standards for ourselves, always comparing ourselves to others and feeling judged. Like most (or all) of you, I never appreciated my appearance enough before. Like you, I was hyper critical of what I saw in the mirror even though it’s so silly to compare or to be unhappy with what you look like.

From August to present day my self care really went out the window. This is fair given the situation but I had really given up for a while. I showered sometimes, washed my face sometimes, barely got dressed or changed out of PJs or sweats. I mean, why would I? Comfort was the most important thing at this time (and still is). I basically shut down and lost that part of myself. I laid on the couch all day with a blanket over me. This has a lot to do with mental health and processing the situation, etc. But still - I couldn’t even be bothered to think about appearance. I’d just roll out of bed or off the couch, head to appointments without a care about how I looked. I even headed in to the hospital in PJs a couple of times.

I'm still not wearing normal clothes or doing makeup 99% of the time. It was kind of surreal at first not needing my brush, or elastics, or a hair dryer. And this break from appearance has actually been kind of nice in a way. A lot less work and a lot less time consuming. But it’s also not me. However, I am starting to care about myself again and taking that time to relax and really enjoy it. I am getting a little stronger (physically, mentally) each day which is beginning to motivate me to start caring again. Last weekend I put on a face mask, turned on some calming spa music on Spotify, and laid in my bed just taking some much needed "me" time.

I feel like beginning more self care and valuing myself again will be an important part in my journey back to "normal". And really appreciating yourself and loving yourself. As much as all of this sucks, this experience is the only thing that has ever really begun to actually change my perspective and make me start believing all those things are true.

In spite of these changes in perspective, I still can’t wait for my hair to come back and to have eyelashes and eyebrows again. And smooth, moisturized skin. And have my old body back. Going back to “normal”, essentially (I've actually had so many dreams about having my hair back since this all started). But I will appreciate it so much more once I get there. And I want all the people who are reading this - even though it probably won’t resinate as much because we do hear people preach this all the time and apparently you have to go through something really traumatic for it to start to sink in - to start being easier on themselves and start loving themselves. You really do have to love yourself. There is actually only one you. And while these clichés are way overused and have lost a lot of their meaning, I have certainly gained some of that meaning and understanding back through this process. Please, do yourself a favour and appreciate who you are and what you look like right now!!! And everyday. And that you have a strong body that works! You rock! You are SO special and unique and deserve to express yourself and feel love - especially from you.

I'll leave you with the kind of lame inspirational quotes of that have started seeming a lot less lame since I got sick.